Please, anyone that can give me any peace of mind, share it.

She and I were going out for 4 years. She loved me, I loved her. Sometime last week, she tells me she has no intimate feelings for me at all and that she never wants to date me again. She says she's never been happier.

Devastated, it's the closest word to describe how I feel. I can only imagine one other scenario that would make me feel this much pain and frustration, if I found out my whole family suddenly died and I was the only one left.

I've always had severe depression, even before I met her. Anyone thats ever had or known someone personally that has severe depression can imagine what this is doing to me.

The hardest thing to handle about this whole situation is that I still have strong feelings for her. Up untill last week I could imagine every stage of my life with her. And everything she ever said led me to believe that she felt the same way.

Suicide has crossed my mind often, and I've delt with the urges before. (before I met her) And before you all alert the authorities, I am seeing at least two proffesionals regularly to try and council me through this.

I've talked to her several times since she broke it off. Sometimes we have regular conversations about our day, other times I fall to my knees in tears begging her to love me again. She is very hostile towards me, but insists she cares alot about me, and is scared for my life.

She started by telling me she never loved me. Then told me she loved me once, but fell out of love with me. She admits she's happier than ever. Does anyone know what I'm going through?

Addition: I think I'm having panick attacks, I keep expecting, hoping she'll call or walk into my room and say she made a mistake. It's making me really anxious and tense.


doug-doug the mighty's picture

If she is willing to offer friendship, take it and be hapy. Look to her as a friend. Get control of you anxieties. If you cannot stand on your own, and without some other crutch, you will put too much strain on the next girl and she may feel overwhelmed. Do not look at her as the object of you affections. Identify your passions (not her) and channel your energies into them. Most good songs these days come from channeled post-teenage angst that is put to a good beat. Try your hand at writing, or even painting. Expressing your inner demons and inner joys as such can be very therapeutic.

I feel exactly like what you wrote 5 months ago. My boyfriend, who I have lived with for 3 years broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I still feel devestated. I've gotten past the worst of the crying, but it feels like it's just because my body can't handle any more. I can't focus on anything else. It hurts constantly. I don't have any close friends, he's been it. I've been going out, working longer hours, I'm seeing a therapist now and crying at home when I need to, but it's not getting any better. I don't know what to do. I'm not suicidal, I know it will get better, but when? What do I need to do?
I call him still and I hug him when he lets me. I just don't know how to let go. He left because I was very hurtful in arguments and I didn't communicate how I felt before I boiled over. Now, I communicate every thought in my head and I'm calming down quicker because of it. I'm so aware that every other aspect of my life is okay. Men are hitting on me, so I feel more attractive than I did before. I'm verging on a promotion at work. I feel like a better person and I've already begun learning from this. I can't enjoy any of it though. I know we had problems in our relationship, I just always though that they were worth conquering together. I just feel helpless and inadequate. Does that feeling go away?

LTong's picture

I keep having to remind myself that others have been through worse situations, it doesn't make me feel good, but it does take away some hopelessness when I think of all the people who have found new love after such pain. Some of the greatest things we as humans produce often come from depression and/or a broken heart; art, music, poetry.

I wish I could tell you without a doubt that things will get better, but since I'm still very much hurt by the whole experience, I can only share with you what I've encountered so far since my own break up. Before it gets better, it has to get "less shitty" as I've put it to my own therapist. Right now you and I are most likely in the same boat. We're "in the hole" so-to-speak, before we can get better we have to get back up to zero then start adding happiness from there. I'm off the bottom of the well I fell into when I was dumped, and I am making progress towards the top, but thats a long way off I suspect and there are days when I slip a few feet back down.

I'll stop being metaphorical now. She (my ex) has stopped contacting me for whatever reason, wether it be to give me time, or she doesn't want me part of her life anymore. Regardless, I feel like I'm better off not talking to her untill I get back on my feet. For weeks after it happened we talked at length about the relationship, what went wrong, what our true feelings were, and how much I still wanted to be with her. I always had unanswered questions and I could not stop getting over-emotional when we spoke. I see it as a good thing that we've kept our distance. I still have feelings for her and many questions arise in my head that I would like to ask her but won't for my own good. Keeping her near me even when she wanted to see other people kept me down. I was only able to start coping when I got out on my own.

That is where I am now, I see a therapist once a week, and I work in my old high school almost every day. I don't have friends to hang out with, and I don't go anywhere in my small town besides the school for fear of seeing her right now would bring me back down. I do feel like I'm going to be able to put this behind me one day, thats a marked improvement over how I felt earlier on. My advice is to continue therapy, continue to seek advice from as many people as you feel comfortable speaking with, and to try to get a sense of how this really does affect everyone at one time or another. Don't feel like you have a specific time frame to feel better in, you can take as long as you want, it's now about your own well being and not your ex partners, you can use this as an opportunity to look out for you first-and-foremost.

I hope this makes you feel "less shitty". I appologize for the length, but it's all very applicable I think. If you need to ask someone "is ..... normal?" I'm certainly willing to help any way I can. ltong@gra.midco.net

While I don't want anyone to feel the kind of pain that I am going through right now, it does help to feel like I'm not the only one going through it. I think that's been one of the hardest parts for me. My ex built this up for a while and so by the time he let me know how he felt, he was already over it. He is completely unemotional through all of it. It sucks having the person you thought would be by your side through it all hurt you, not understand your pain, and watch from a distance.
Well, to add insult to injury, mine lives with me. It's my apartment, but I've built my spending habits around the way we lean on eachother (he usually pays phones, groceries, internet etc.) and I live in the suburb where he's from and really don't know anyone else out here. Financially, I know I can do it, but I'm afraid of the loneliness, past having a lover, but a friend. I told him yesterday that I wouldn't rush him, because it wasn't a punishment for not wanting to be with me, but I need him to move out. I don't know what I was expecting, but he responded so quickly that he could move in a couple of weeks (it's going to be a harder financial struggle for him). It stung. I broke down and made a fool of myself begging and crying. I know I'm going to push him away and lose him as a friend, but I don't know what else to do. I still haven't really accepted that it's over, and I don't know what I need to do to get through this but it's like going into the same shock and realization of it new everyday. I can't imagine that I could keep hurting like this for too much longer. I don't know. Thanks for listening. It means a ton to me.

LTong's picture

Each day is going to be a struggle for a while. Things are gonna hurt throughout each day and you'll have quite a few moments of extreme overwhelming emotion. Those moments will get less and less frequent. It's a good idea to find a distraction to pass the time untill you feel comfortable in the outside world. Reading, crafts, friends, etc. Anything that takes your focus and pulls it away from memories. There are better days for us both in the future, we just have to survive the bad ones first.

I feel bad for you guys, because I've been there too.

I get the impression that in both of your relationships you were relying entirely upon your "significant other" for happiness and company; they may have felt smothered. I don't think a relationship can work very well with that kind of dependancy going on - each person needs to have their own "space".

I'm concerned that you both say that you don't have any friends to rely on for support. It's really hard when you're depressed; people sense it and tend to back away. A counselor or therapist can help you with your depression, even with medication over the short term, and they may give you some tips on meeting people once you've dug yourself out of the emotional pit.

Also, don't get romantically involved with anyone else right away - "rebound" relationships are disasters in the making; trust me on this!

I've been in your shoes, and on the other side as well, so I can totally relate. In fact, I'm in an extremely tough situation myself right now (but can't talk about it here). You've gotta get help with your depression right away - you don't deserve to feel this badly!

My hopes and thoughts are with you - best of luck!

It's like everyday is a new devestation. He still lives here. He'll be here until the end of the month. We've only been broken up for 3 weeks and he had a date last night. He lied to me about it too. Then, I told him that I knew and it hurt because it's so soon after and it gives me questions as to how long it's been going on. He didn't say "I never cheated on you" but "It's none of your business". I know it's none of my business that he's dating now, but he couldn't ease my mind on that he never cheated on me and then he spent the night out. This sucks!

LTong's picture

We share that feeling and experience too then. She and I continued to talk for months after the breakup. I kept telling her how much it was gonna hurt the first time I randomly saw her in public. I tried to explain how gut-wrenching it would be for me to see her with another guy. She kept replying with "what if you meet someone before me?" even though she knew I didn't want another relationship with anyone. Later on I found out she had met a guy two weeks after the breakup and had been dating him steadily for over a month. I think the dump-er in situations like ours puts up an emotional block, and they won't realize how bad there hurting someone untill after the damage is done. Thats why I think it's best you distance yourself from him and try to make some friends that you can talk to. I'm sorry to say, a breakup is one of the most painful things a person can go through, but if you endure these lowest days, better ones will come.