A Day in the Life of a Linux Virgin

Prologue

I switched to Macs from PCs in 1998. It was then that I bought the beige G3 PowerPC with the 266 MHz processor that now sits in the corner. Other than my irrational emotional attachment to obsolete hardware, the only reason for keeping it this long has been that it has a very good scanner and a very good printer. These connect via an old, fat SCSI bus. It would cost more to put a SCSI card on one of the newer Macs or to replace the printer and scanner, than it would to simply use it as a server for those peripherals. But people like me can't leave well enough alone. At first I maxed out the RAM. Then I added a second HDD. Afterwards I upgraded the processor to a 500 MHz G4. It was around the time that I took that last step that I quit my job. After seven years at the university, I suddenly did not have a Unix box to play with any longer. Save, of course, for Darwin. At first I tried to install OS X on the old G3. But the electronic face-lifts and hardware botox injections were insufficient to pass the old girl off as a new, hip supermodel. She is a child of the 90s, born before Jobs' triumphant return to the genus Malus. Recalcitrant, Old World and stubborn, she was released weeks before the iMac. She is a girl with an attitude. She won't do OS X.

It was after three failed attempts that it occurred to me to try Linux. Linux is Unix, right? I shouldn't be any different than the Sun OS or Solaris that ran on some thin, elegant box on a rack somehwere in the bowels of the Communications building. And, it's free. I found a Yellow Dog distribution on eBay and decided to give it a try.

Chapter One -- The Firmware

I should have known when XPostFacto did not work that I was going to be in for a rough ride. The Open Firmware on the Old World Macs is buggy at best. Broken is more like it. Some other poor slob with the same ambitions had found the answer: Multibooter 1.0d13. It was originally available for free from Apple's web site. But that was in the Pleistocene, long since taken down. All the links to be found on Google had also melted and dried up after the last Ice Age. They remained as archaeological evidence that someone had once found a fix. I had almost given up when I decided, on a whim, to try the same search on Yahoo! It worked. An ftp site had it.

Chapter Two -- Shooting the Dog

It took three bizarre rituals to exorcise the demons from the machine before it ever booted again normally; but, finally, it blessed the prodigal hard drive and welcomed it back to the realm of the faithful. Copying the kernel and the ramdisk from the install CD was no problem, but the dog wasn't going to play. In fact, it wouldn't do much of anything. Deaf, mute, lame and dumb, there was little point in throwing the stick. This was no man's best friend. The sad creature had to be put to sleep.

Chapter Three -- Ubuntu

It was then that I stumbled onto Applefritter. Someone by the name of Jon had posted a set of instructions for installing Ubuntu. The name sounded cool and hip--like Kwanzaa. Finding the iso and burning a disc was no problem; and, when the critical point came instead of the lame mon> prompt, something actually happened. The install script was invoked. Yemaya or Changó must have been nearby and happy. They must have liked those glasses of water I left laying around. The computer had a new, double life. By day she was a valley girl with a Cupertino accent. But by night, she was a nubian beauty.

Chapter Four -- The African Diaspora

I should have left well enough alone. Gnome is a good gui, but there was KDE to try. After all, it was blue. Well the priestess of Avalon was already feeling rather schizophrenic. Coping with the Yoruba syncretism was all that she could handle. No three faces for this Eve. It was time to re-install and let the gnome have control. But it didn't end there. Anthropologists inform us that we all came out of Africa. But evolution stopped with e-mail. Or rather, Evolution killed all hope of e-mail. It was time for a third install.

Chapter Five -- Is Linux This Fragile?

It seems like the low-flying Thunderbird picked off the gnome as well. What is it with this operating system? Does Linux crash if you sneeze? Isn't their legendary longevity the wonder of all the Unix relatives? Who needs this stupid gui anyway? All it does is annoy and confuse me; and, in the end, the only way that I can get anything done is to open up a terminal and type CLI commands. That seems to rather defeat the purpose of a gui. But if it's there for housewives, shouldn't it be more tolerant of the slightest mistake? Once the terminal windows freeze up or refuse to launch, how DO you get to the command line interface? If graphics are art, these represent the post-modern deconstruction of the computer.

Epilogue

Well the Hoary Hedgehog worked at least part of the time. The Breezey Badger cannot be roused from hibernation. I've typed this much whilst waiting for it to install and the farthest I've come is a black screen and a shell prompt--but since nothing is installed the shell doesn't do me any good. Linux people wonder why everyone doesn't just stop buying Windows. "Linux is free!" they say. Well, free as in "free speech," maybe. Certainly not free as in "free lunch." How much is a busy executive time's worth? With OS X you turn the computer on, and it works. With Windows you fiddle with the machine and, eventually, you can get some work done. With Linux all you do is fiddle with the machine. With this medium, there is no message. Ars technica gratia artis technicum, baby. I did learn one thing, though. I really admire and appreciate what the NeXT and Apple developers have accomplished.